Tramp Chronicles: His house

If this was Five O or some other do gooder working for a social service Albert sensed that this could mean trouble. With big Trev an Albert’s girl lying cracked out on the sofa and wheelchair guy lying unconscious on the floor suffering from another head wound, this wasn’t a good look. Albert armed himself with a tin of baked beans and put his entire crack stash in wheel chair guys pockets whilst he lay on the floor. The door knocked again and Albert thought that the best thing to do would be to remain silent and wait till they went away. However the door was unlocked as usual and Albert didn’t count on a back draft caused by a rush of air entering the block to push open the door.

The two old Jehovah’s witnesses that had knocked the door were amazed that the door just suddenly seemed to open. This temporary state of wonder turned to dread and a firm belief that there was a devil as they entered the doorway of a place that they would call hell on earth for the rest of their days.

Immediately they were confronted with a tall dark figure who was staring intently at them whilst holding a can of beans in what appeared to be a menacing fashion. This startled them. The horror set in when they observed their surroundings and looked down to see that that this dark figure was standing over the body of a cripple.
Although neither of the Jehovah’s witnesses could get a decent look there appeared to be some blood oozing from the dirty matted hair of the cripple whose wheel chair was indiscriminately tossed to one side. They also saw what appeared to be two lifeless bodies strewn out on the sofa behind the scary man with the beans. With this stunning visual presentation of evidence coupled with a smell that both Jehovah’s witnesses could only compare to rotting flesh, a number of hasty conclusions were made within about five seconds of the door opening.

Firstly although both were devout practitioners of their faith like most men they had their doubts, however it was now clear that there really was a devil. The devil was in fact standing right in front of them having just murdered three people with what appeared to be a can of baked beans. Just as they had always suspected the devil was a highly aggressive black man who claimed benefits and lived on a council estate. After all everyone knows that Jesus was a blond haired blue eyed white man with a pleasant disposition. The man with the beans was almost the exact opposite of this most commonly accepted depiction, the anti Christ as far as they were concerned. The stench of rotting flesh and utter gloom that was emanating from the flat also confirmed that hell did exist and that it stank.
These poor souls had been tortured by this most foul smelling demon and even with their new found faith in things that they had previously considered improbable the Jehovah’s witnesses sensed that they were no match for the man with the beans.


Albert’s super human tramp capabilities smelt the piss that was now beginning to run down one of the Jehovah’s witnesses inside leg. He looked at their bibles and chuckled whilst saying that god doesn’t live here. The last joint conclusions that the Jehovah’s witnesses formed without any discussion was GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE and they speedily vacated Albert’s flat screaming until they were all screamed out.

To the rest of Albert’s neighbours on Fracas close this was nothing out of the ordinary as screams were often heard coming from Albert’s place.