If this was Five O or some other do gooder working for a social service Albert sensed that this could mean trouble. With big Trev an Albert’s girl lying cracked out on the sofa and wheelchair guy lying unconscious on the floor suffering from another head wound, this wasn’t a good look. Albert armed himself with a tin of baked beans and put his entire crack stash in wheel chair guys pockets whilst he lay on the floor. The door knocked again and Albert thought that the best thing to do would be to remain silent and wait till they went away. However the door was unlocked as usual and Albert didn’t count on a back draft caused by a rush of air entering the block to push open the door.
The two old Jehovah’s witnesses that had knocked the door were amazed that the door just suddenly seemed to open. This temporary state of wonder turned to dread and a firm belief that there was a devil as they entered the doorway of a place that they would call hell on earth for the rest of their days.
Immediately they were confronted with a tall dark figure who was staring intently at them whilst holding a can of beans in what appeared to be a menacing fashion. This startled them. The horror set in when they observed their surroundings and looked down to see that that this dark figure was standing over the body of a cripple.
Although neither of the Jehovah’s witnesses could get a decent look there appeared to be some blood oozing from the dirty matted hair of the cripple whose wheel chair was indiscriminately tossed to one side. They also saw what appeared to be two lifeless bodies strewn out on the sofa behind the scary man with the beans. With this stunning visual presentation of evidence coupled with a smell that both Jehovah’s witnesses could only compare to rotting flesh, a number of hasty conclusions were made within about five seconds of the door opening.
Firstly although both were devout practitioners of their faith like most men they had their doubts, however it was now clear that there really was a devil. The devil was in fact standing right in front of them having just murdered three people with what appeared to be a can of baked beans. Just as they had always suspected the devil was a highly aggressive black man who claimed benefits and lived on a council estate. After all everyone knows that Jesus was a blond haired blue eyed white man with a pleasant disposition. The man with the beans was almost the exact opposite of this most commonly accepted depiction, the anti Christ as far as they were concerned. The stench of rotting flesh and utter gloom that was emanating from the flat also confirmed that hell did exist and that it stank.
These poor souls had been tortured by this most foul smelling demon and even with their new found faith in things that they had previously considered improbable the Jehovah’s witnesses sensed that they were no match for the man with the beans.
Albert’s super human tramp capabilities smelt the piss that was now beginning to run down one of the Jehovah’s witnesses inside leg. He looked at their bibles and chuckled whilst saying that god doesn’t live here. The last joint conclusions that the Jehovah’s witnesses formed without any discussion was GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE and they speedily vacated Albert’s flat screaming until they were all screamed out.
To the rest of Albert’s neighbours on Fracas close this was nothing out of the ordinary as screams were often heard coming from Albert’s place.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Tramp Chronicles: Insufficient Funds
Wheel chair guy rolled onto the close, making that weird noise with his lungs, he negotiated the small step into the block using a nifty pivotal manoeuvre with his one good leg and his amazing balance which he had developed as top school gymnast back in the day. It had taken a while to master this move, after countless occasions of getting stuck in between the doors on the bus, and bussin his face on the curb but it was worth it.
As he got into the block, he called Albert’s name in the usual fashion, “Alberrrrrt”, his voice didn’t hold a great deal of impact, due to his breathing issues but Albert’s super human tramp capabilities were heightened at the prospect of wheel chair guys earnings. Albert sauntered down the stale stairwell and looked at wheel chair guy with an eerie smirk on his boat. This sent a shiver down Leemo’s crooked spine and his breathing became even more irregular, he knew that smirk only too well.
Albert grabbed wheel chair guy by his one good arm, and with his other hand took hold of his chair, he marched up the stairs, dragging his disabled associate behind him.
By the time they reached the doorway Leemo’s breathing had become erratic and he was having some sort of mini fit as Albert dashed him on to a chair which was placed precariously in the middle of the front room.
Trev and Albert’s girl were cracked out on the sofa at the back of the room, and Albert walked through his beaded curtains, to the kitchen where he was cooking up some beans. Leemo thought to himself, from the smell of it, that they must be some doodoo beans, knowing Albert however, the smell wasn’t surprising. It wasn’t surprising but it did add to the multitude of other anti-fragrances, it created what can only be described as an oppressive stench.
He came out of the kitchen, with what looked to Leemo like a bowl of excrement in his hand and stood over him, clearly disregarding any sense of personal space that wheel chair guy had left.
“What you got for me?”, Albert asked in a very menacing tone of voice, at this point wheel chair guy sunk even further into himself, looking behind him at the two cracked out entities, clearly unable to help him and then looking at the floor, searching in vain for some sort of escape.
He knew what he was sent out on the street for and he knew that he had come back too many times with insufficient funds according to Albert’s high tramping standards. Today he had nothing.
“I said WHAT you got for me?”, Albert repeated himself while spooning the ‘doodoo’ beans into his mouth, some of them were spilling out the side of his face and dripping on to wheel chair guy’s useless leg. Albert put his hands in wheel chair guy’s pockets; he searched his every orifice and found nothing but a lighter and some red Rizla. At this, he breathalysed wheel chair guy’s face which unsurprisingly knocked him out cold, he then picked him up by his collar and threw him onto the ground mumbling something to do with sitting in a big mans chair and being worthy.
The door knocked, strange because no one ever knocked.
As he got into the block, he called Albert’s name in the usual fashion, “Alberrrrrt”, his voice didn’t hold a great deal of impact, due to his breathing issues but Albert’s super human tramp capabilities were heightened at the prospect of wheel chair guys earnings. Albert sauntered down the stale stairwell and looked at wheel chair guy with an eerie smirk on his boat. This sent a shiver down Leemo’s crooked spine and his breathing became even more irregular, he knew that smirk only too well.
Albert grabbed wheel chair guy by his one good arm, and with his other hand took hold of his chair, he marched up the stairs, dragging his disabled associate behind him.
By the time they reached the doorway Leemo’s breathing had become erratic and he was having some sort of mini fit as Albert dashed him on to a chair which was placed precariously in the middle of the front room.
Trev and Albert’s girl were cracked out on the sofa at the back of the room, and Albert walked through his beaded curtains, to the kitchen where he was cooking up some beans. Leemo thought to himself, from the smell of it, that they must be some doodoo beans, knowing Albert however, the smell wasn’t surprising. It wasn’t surprising but it did add to the multitude of other anti-fragrances, it created what can only be described as an oppressive stench.
He came out of the kitchen, with what looked to Leemo like a bowl of excrement in his hand and stood over him, clearly disregarding any sense of personal space that wheel chair guy had left.
“What you got for me?”, Albert asked in a very menacing tone of voice, at this point wheel chair guy sunk even further into himself, looking behind him at the two cracked out entities, clearly unable to help him and then looking at the floor, searching in vain for some sort of escape.
He knew what he was sent out on the street for and he knew that he had come back too many times with insufficient funds according to Albert’s high tramping standards. Today he had nothing.
“I said WHAT you got for me?”, Albert repeated himself while spooning the ‘doodoo’ beans into his mouth, some of them were spilling out the side of his face and dripping on to wheel chair guy’s useless leg. Albert put his hands in wheel chair guy’s pockets; he searched his every orifice and found nothing but a lighter and some red Rizla. At this, he breathalysed wheel chair guy’s face which unsurprisingly knocked him out cold, he then picked him up by his collar and threw him onto the ground mumbling something to do with sitting in a big mans chair and being worthy.
The door knocked, strange because no one ever knocked.
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